Weight Issues

I'm never been over-weight. My issue's have always been being under-weight. I have never been made fun of for being skinny or when I do gain a bit of weight, I've never been made fun of for being fat. So I wouldn't' know what its like to be made fun of that way; but I do know what its like to beat yourself up about being too skinny or feeling like if you gain any weight you'll be fat.

I want to tell the story we don't hear. About the girls who strive to stay perfect, hate being as skinny as they are but are scared to gain any weight. I weigh 119 pounds. Its considered a normal weight for my height and age but I can feel my hip bones and others very easily which scares me. So I guess your first thought would be to gain weight then, right?

Wrong. I like the weight. I hate the body that comes along with it. I work out especially areas such as my bottom and belly because those area  hate most about myself. My highest weight I have ever been at was 128 pounds (the picture above is me at my heaviest weight). I would grab at the skin around my stomach and legs and want to cry. Telling myself I was un healthy and fat. It was very disheartening. The picture was taken when I lived in Macau, China. Due to the quality of food I was getting served at my boarding school I would go out at eat fast food almost everyday after school. I felt fat,  felt gross, and I wasn't taking care of my body. I look back at this picture and I think I don't look fat at all, but it's the way I felt, not the way I looked.

To make it worse I lost 10 pounds in a very very unhealthy way. I stop eating. For a week and a half at the start of October I didn't eat anything an I lost all 10 pounds in that week and a half. I would only drink water and milk until I started to feel extremely ill and started feel faint. I had to start forcing myself to at this point.



I wasn't happy with what I did. I hate myself for losing the weight like that but I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't patient enough to lose the weight healthily. The issue of weight is not an easy task for anyone. Heavy or scrawny. No matter what we find ways to make fun of ourselves and beat ourselves up about it.

I don't think girls see themselves as fat when they weigh 100 pounds. That iconic picture of the girl as small as her frame looking at a chubby version of herself, I think she knows she's as skinny as a tooth pick but she's just worried to gain back any weight. I'm scared to gain weight. I think I always will be. The second I gain a pound I get scared I'll never be able to take it off.

I can't ask you not hate your weight, large or small. But I want you to make sure your healthy. I am healthy now, not 100% happy but I am healthy. And that's what truly matters. This is a picture of me now. I am healthy, I can't stress that enough, I eat properly, I work out and feel physically and emotionally well. I'm still learning to accept my body. I think we always will need to work on that. But I want you to be healthy if anything.